Dogging - Extract - The Play

© Strictly copyright of the author 2005 DOGGING, THE PLAY ACT I, SCENE I Curtain rises on mainly dark stage, just some dim light at stage front right. One man dressed in dark colours with a jacket on enters quietly stage right, and stands as if observing something upstage. Lighting effect simulates the sweep of car headlights, slowly across the whole stage. Revealed for a few seconds by the ‘headlights’ is, upstage left, a large dark coloured car with one or two doors open, and a group of clothed men (perhaps 6 or 8 men) standing surrounding someone, next to the bonnet of the car. Some of the men near the car, and the lone man at the front of the stage, react slightly to the headlights, glancing round, on guard. The audience gets a definite glimpse of a woman – long hair, naked arms or legs. The stage returns to near darkness.  Some mumbled voices are heard, and then, clearly, a woman’s laughter coming from the darkness. The lone man’s mobile phone rings.  He answers it. LONE MAN:  Hello?  Oh hi, love.  Yes, I’m fine.  Yes, sorry, I’ll be home as soon as I can.  No, I just took the dog out for a walk.  Down the country park.  Thought I’d give him a good old run, you know.  Er, yeah, got darker sooner than I expected.  On my way back now, traffic looks bad though.  What?  Oh God, I forgot about that.  Yeah, okay, sorry.  Of course.  I love you too.  Bye. Another man steps out from stage right, hands in pockets, and joins the lone man. SECOND MAN:  Taking the dog for a walk, eh?  (Laughs)  That’s how this business got its name, you know.  So they say. LONE MAN:  (Also laughs)  Yeah, lots of guys out taking the dog for a walk!  Only it’s not the dogs getting the exercise, is it?  O-oh, watch out. ‘Headlights’ sweep across the stage again, this time lingering longer on the group around the car, and the audience sees an even better glimpse of naked female flesh. Once it’s dark again: SECOND MAN:  Shall we? LONE MAN:  Why not? The two men step forward into the darkness to join the others. More noises and voices come from the darkness. Subtle implication of sex happening. MALE VOICE:  Come on, love. DIFFERENT MALE VOICE:  Yeah, good girl, that’s it. A moment of silence and then: NAKED WOMAN:  Aahh!  Oh, yes!!  Aaaagh!  (Expressions of passion as woman reaches climax.) Gentle round of applause and laughter. Some of the men are seen to walk off stage, left and right. Lone man hurries across stage to exit front right; looks at his watch as he walks. Car door slams. Lighting at front of stage gets a little brighter. Slowly and deliberately and languidly, the woman walks into the light, and stands centre stage front. She is completely naked, apart from high heeled shoes.  Deliberate full frontal nudity. She smiles and stretches, and spins round slowly, showing the audience her nakedness. As she stands facing the front again, arms stretched upwards, two clothed men stroll forward and stand on either side of her, cupping her breasts, rubbing their hands up and down her.  She puts her arms round each of their shoulders, and smiles. NAKED WOMAN:  Mmm, that was nice, boys.  I needed that. COMPANION ONE:  So did we. COMPANION TWO:  You’re outrageous, do you know that? NAKED WOMAN:  You were rather naughty yourselves. COMPANION ONE:  So what do you want to do now? NAKED WOMAN:  You mean you haven’t finished? COMPANION ONE:  Come back to mine and spend the night with me. NAKED WOMAN:  You serious? COMPANION ONE:  Yeah, why not? COMPANION TWO:  Hold on a minute!  What if I want her to come home with me?  I only live down the road – how about it, love? NAKED WOMAN:  Lucky me, spoilt for choice!  Now let me see… She turns to kiss one of the men, then the other. NAKED WOMAN:  Mmm, I don’t know.  Let’s try you again. Both men kiss and embrace her playfully until she giggles. COMPANION ONE:  Oh, come on.  I asked you first. COMPANION TWO:  But I fucked you first, if I remember right! COMPANION ONE:  (Good-naturedly)  I’ll give you a better time than this chancer. COMPANION TWO:  Hey, I make a great breakfast. NAKED WOMAN:  Well.  (Sighs theatrically)  Looks like there’s nothing for it.  (Takes each by the hand)  You’ll just have to BOTH come back to mine!! She drags them off stage left; all laughing. Lighting in general a bit higher; we can see the empty car now. Background scenery – woodland.  A few props – bushes/branches, logs on the floor. Maybe whole stage strewn with leaf litter that scrunches and gets kicked about as characters walk. New male character enters stage right.  Strolls over to car, leans down to look at number plate, stands and looks round as if looking for the owner. Woman comes trailing in after him; short skirt and skimpy top, holding a handbag and shoes in one hand, dragging a jacket or scarf along the floor with the other. GIRLFRIEND:  Where are you going?  Can’t we stick near the car? BOYFRIEND:  Wonder whose this is?  Don’t recognise it. GIRLFRIEND:  Do you ever listen to me? BOYFRIEND:  Don’t start! Boyfriend peers in through window of abandoned car.  No-one there so leans against it and lights cigarette. BOYFRIEND:  I don’t know what your problem is tonight, you just won’t let up moaning. GIRLFRIEND:  I’m only moaning because I’m exhausted and it’s so bloody hot! BOYFRIEND:  I thought you liked hot nights under the stars. GIRLFRIEND:  Yes, usually – but I wasn’t expecting this today.  I thought we were just going for a drink. BOYFRIEND:  We did go for a drink – but then I got randy! GIRLFRIEND:  You’re always randy! BOYFRIEND:  Well, it’s a good thing I’m with a bird who’s always up for it, then! GIRLFRIEND:  Too bloody right!  I hope you realise how lucky you are! She throws all her stuff on the floor.  He offers her a cigarette, she refuses. GIRLFRIEND:  You’re just pissed off because of what I was saying earlier. BOYFRIEND:  Oh please, do we really have to talk about that now?!! GIRLFRIEND:  You’re always avoiding the issue! BOYFRIEND:  It’s just not exactly appropriate, is it? GIRLFRIEND:  It’s just important to me to get an idea of how you feel!  We’ve never really talked about it. BOYFRIEND:  Look, can this wait?  Bit of a bloody passion killer, going on about settling down and having a family! GIRLFRIEND:  Okay, just forget I mentioned it.  You just have a good time and forget it! BOYFRIEND:  Well, thanks for that!  I will! Long silence.  Then Girlfriend starts to cry. BOYFRIEND:  (Exasperated)  Now what?! GIRLFRIEND:  You only want me young and wild!  You wouldn’t want me if I was older and fatter. BOYFRIEND:  For Christ’s sake, what’s up with you?  We’ve been out here a dozen times together.  Have I ever not wanted you?  I’ll always want you!  And - as for that - you’ve seen me fuck several fat women, I seem to recall! Suddenly, her sobbing seems to turn into laughter.  She’s laughing wildly, clutching her sides. Boyfriend throws his cigarette away. BOYFRIEND:  Fucking hell, are you crying or laughing now? GIRLFRIEND:  Oh, laughing, sorry. BOYFRIEND:  What’s so funny? GIRLFRIEND:  It’s just – I just thought of a phrase.  And considering where we are, it made me laugh! BOYFRIEND:  What phrase?  What are you talking about? She recovers from her tears and laughter, and looks at him meaningfully. GIRLFRIEND:  It’s when people say, “Can’t see wood for trees.”  (Then she gets angry and shouts at him)  “HE COULDN’T SEE THE WOOD FOR THE TREES!!” BOYFRIEND:  (After a pause)  What do you mean? GIRLFRIEND:  Oh God!  (She slumps against the car)  Work it out! He moves away and turns so he’s facing her. BOYFRIEND:  DON’T PLAY GAMES WITH ME! GIRLFRIEND:  Okay, then, I’m – BOYFRIEND:  What? GIRLFRIEND:  I – I’m – BOYFRIEND:  TELL ME! GIRLFRIEND:  Oh, hell – I’m pregnant!  It’s happened for real, and I don’t know what to do – I’ve got to make a decision!  It changes everything! Silence.  He stands stock still, looking at her. GIRLFRIEND:  And yes, it’s definitely yours, I’m sure.  I haven’t done anything else since last month. Boyfriend throws back his head and then walks away from her, right across the stage. He paces up and down, he stops occasionally and throws a glance at her. He turns away and grabs at his own hair. He’s agitated and emotional but plays it deliberately ambiguously – the audience can’t tell what his reaction is going to be; if anything they should suspect he’s going to be unpleasant. He keeps her and the audience waiting a long time. Eventually he spins round and looks at her, his head in his hands. GIRLFRIEND:  You’re angry. He strides up to her. BOYFRIEND:  (His voice is calm and warm)  The only thing I’m angry about… is that you’ve ended up having to tell me that news out here, in these circumstances. GIRLFRIEND:  So…?  (She scans his face) BOYFRIEND:  (He puts his arms out)  Come here! He hugs her; she’s crying, but has a broad smile. He picks up her things from the floor and puts his arm around her shoulders. BOYFRIEND:  (Affectionately)  Come on love, let’s get you home.  We’ve got a lot to talk about. They exit together stage right, his arm round her shoulders, her smiling up at him. Another young man enters from stage left.  Looks around, looks in direction of retreating couple.  Returns stage left and holds out an arm. Another young woman enters, also quite sexily dressed. GIRL 1:  No sign of them? GUY 1:  (In slight whisper)  Well, this must be their car, but I don’t see anyone. GIRL 1:  We definitely heard voices, though. GUY 1:  Yeah, there was a woman’s voice, for sure – they must’ve gone further into the woods. Girl breaks away and wanders round the clearing. GIRL 1:  Let’s wait here then, they may come back. GUY 1:  Okay – here, this looks like a nice grassy spot.  Shall we get comfortable? They lie down stage right, and start to slowly kiss and caress on the floor. Her top is peeled off and discarded. They get more friendly, make lovers’ noises. After a while, from offstage left: GUY 2:  Pssst!  Psssssstttttt! GUY 1:  Who is it? GUY 2:  Pete and Cathy.  Can we join you? Another young couple walk onto the stage. Guy 1 stands up, Girl 1 stays sitting on the floor. GIRL 2:  Hey, we recognised you – we met that time over the other side, down towards the greenhouses, do you remember? GUY 1:  Oo yes, I remember. Girl 2 walks into the arms of Guy 1, and they kiss a passionate hello. Guy 1 breaks away and offers Guy 2 his hand – they shake hands. GUY 1:  Hiya, mate. GUY 2:  Hi GUY 1:  Seen much action? GUY 2:  Yeah, loads.  These hot nights, you know. Girl 2 walks over to Girl 1 and kneels down next to her. GIRL 2:  Hi GIRL 1:  Hi GIRL 2:  You look great!  I love your hair! GIRL 1:  Thanks. Their heads approach each other slowly.  They exchange a gentle, mutual kiss, then embrace. The two men stand watching for a while, then move to the right and left of them (Guy 2 next to Girl 1, Guy 1 next to Girl 2). One at a time the guys kneel down and join in the women’s embrace.  (Foursome ‘tableau’.) Then the women and one of the men lie down together. At the front of the stage, first on the furthest side from the group, then also from the side nearest them, male figures appear one at a time and stand watching the group, mainly with their backs to the audience. To just the sound of the women’s passionate exclamations, the watching men slowly and quietly get closer to the group and bunch up, shielding them from the audience’s view. One of the men is seen to drop to his knees in front of the women. Suddenly, from the back of the auditorium: POLICE WHISTLE Two Policemen storm down two different aisles of the auditorium, through the audience, and up onto the stage.  There is commotion – whistles blow, the Police flash torches. At about the same time as the Police start their entry, another male character – ie one of the doggers – rushes onto and across the stage, shouting a warning to the group. DOGGER:  Watch out, it’s the cops! The group of men all run off stage right and left.  The car gets in the way of one of them – he clambers over the bonnet. The two couples get up in a hurry, the men helping the women up, and run off stage right, leaving behind a high heeled shoe and a discarded piece of clothing. The two Policemen exit the stage, but commotion is still heard offstage – shouting, dogs barking, a woman’s (not too serious) scream. A new character runs on stage from stage left.  It is a very obvious transvestite – tall, unconvincing, with obvious false breasts, and a huge wig, and running uncomfortably in high heels.  He stops centre stage and turns round, looking offstage. TV:  Oh no! He takes his high heels off clumsily, then turns and runs offstage. A Policeman runs on with a dog (real dog – German Shepherd), chasing the TV.  A moment later, comedy style, they both run across the stage the other way, the TV holding his shoes out in one hand, clutching his wig with the other. The TV runs on stage a third time, panting heavily and shaking his head.  Leans on car. TV:  Okay, okay, do your worst.  I can’t handle this. The Policeman runs up with the dog. TV:  Aaagh!  Down boy!  Get it away from me!  This is my best dress! Policeman:  Okay, SIR (pointedly).  Turn around and put your hands on the bonnet – quickly! Policeman searches TV for weapons from behind. TV:  Mmm… oo-er!  Careful! Policeman:  Leave it out!  Okay, turn around.  Now, I’ve got reason to believe you’re in contravention of the – TV:  Sorry, can you start again, I can’t hear anything through this hair! Policeman reaches over and pulls off the wig.  He stops in shock. Policeman:  Oh!  Malcolm?  Is that you? TV:  Terry.  Shit, I thought I recognised you! Policeman:  Oh dear, this is a bit, er – TV:  Embarrassing.  Yes. Policeman:  (Clears his throat)  So, er, how are the kids? TV:  Fine thanks! Policeman:  Well, look, if you want to just, well, head off home, let’s, well, let’s say nothing more about it. TV:  Okay, that’s good of you, thanks. Embarrassed pause.  Policeman turns to go, remembers he’s holding wig, and hands it back to TV. TV:  Thanks. Policeman:  Just get out of here, okay? TV:  Of course, right away. Policeman pulls at dog and heads offstage. TV:  Oh, and Terry? Policeman:  Yes? TV:  This never happened, okay? Policeman:  (Wryly)  Righto! Policeman exits.  TV slumps to the floor, leans back against car, shattered and shocked.  After a while puts head in hands and wails theatrically. TV:  Oh, no! Another TV enters, furtively. TV2:  Hey, Lucy – you okay?  They gone? TV:  (Looks up)  No, no, I’m not okay!  I’ve just bloody had an encounter with my new next door neighbour!  We were round for a barbeque just the other weekend!  Oh, no!  What happens when I next see him? TV2:  (Sits down next to TV)  What, one of the boys in blue?  Oo, and you into uniforms as well! TV:  Shut up – PHILIP. TV2:  Philippa, if you don’t mind!  Oh, stop moaning, he won’t let on.  You haven’t done anything anyway.  It’s not illegal to put a frock on, you know. TV:  But he might tell – TV2:  He won’t, or he would’ve pulled you in now.  You were lucky, actually. TV:  Oh, shit, he’ll always have it over me though. TV2:  Lucy darling, that’s enough!  Here, why don’t you come up the hill with me, I’ll take your mind off it.  Bet all the excitement made you horny. TV:  Sod off, I couldn’t now. TV2:  Come on!  Why waste the evening?  Here, I’ll – (leans over and whispers in TV’s ear) They look at each other.  TV2 jumps up and offers TV a helping hand to get up. TV2:  Knew you would!  You may not be horny, but I bloody well am!  Hurry up, darling! TV2 rushes off.  TV puts wig back on. His mobile phone rings. TV:  Shit!  (Pulls phone out of cleavage)  Oh – hello, dear.  Fine, yeah, sorry. He stands centre stage, alone, facing audience, listening and nodding, but at the same time putting his high heels back on. Lighting slowly drops. TV:  (Loudly and clearly, after a still and silent pause)  I’m just out taking the dog for a walk. Light fades to blackout. Curtain.